
HORRENDOUS EXISTENTIAL BANTER:
I never considered myself to be a religious person, spiritual perhaps, but not religious. The two can probably exist hand-in-hand inside one person but I count myself to be a more spiritual person than the rigid and structural belief system that being religious is. No doubt this initial rant will be full of inconsistencies but bear with me. The sheer hypocrisy might cause one's stomach to turn but I assert now that my life and ways of thinking have always been filled with a core that is always at war with itself.
A miracle happened to me today, or at least I count it as one. There I was at a fast food place, minding my own business, getting some food when two thugs decided to rob the place (small time robbers, yay).
They herded all the customers up to the restrooms and as I was the last person they saw, one of the bastards came up to me and threatened to pistol-whip me. Hurriedly, I did what I was told and complied. I've had a gun pointed to my face before but that was in my teens, we were young, drunk and stupid; playing around with a revolver in my friends house. Anyways, in all honesty though, I was shaken up a bit inside while I was huddled around with the rest of the customers but when I looked at my hands, they weren't shaking at all. Sometimes I think I really am too numb inside. After the initial muscling around and threats, when the dudes were about to leave they checked up on us one last time and I'm guessing since I was the only guy (there were only two old ladies with me) one of the bastards pointed a gun (poor trigger discipline BTW) to my face told me to kneel and said "You better not say anything to anyone about this" or at least that's what I understood from his ghetto trash speak.
So I knelt there, closed my eyes and thought: "Holy shit! this could have been it". If these dudes weren't playing around they could have shot me and that would have been all 20+ years of my life. The only thought that was racing through my head at that time was "God, whatever sins I've done in my life, I feel like I've paid for them and more. Just get me outta this thing unscathed, and I'll call it a personal miracle." Many times I was wondering, is my soul ready? is my soul ready? is this how it ends"
Cops came in 5 minutes later, old ladies were all frantic and crying, I still was kind off in shock. Got questioned for two hours, turns out the cameras in the place didn't work so the investigation is all fucked up the hoohaa. Left the place with only a scrath in my elbow from being dropped to the floor real fast. The manager wasn't as lucky though, he had been smacked on the head and was bleeding. The robbers only took my old-ass cellphone presumably so nobody gets heroic and calls the cops. they didn't even filch anybody's wallet. I thought "good fucking riddance, I was replacing that shit anyway." It's too bad that all my keys and my favorite anime keychain were attached to my phone but oh well.
More or less I consider this event a tiny miracle granted from who knows? God, Jesus, Yahweh, Allah, Danu, Cthulhu or whatever. I feel bad that only during a close brush with probable violence and death do my feelings on spirituality intensify. I have to remind myself that this is the human condition and experiences like this are bound to spring up.
A few years ago, I started growing my hair long (it's up to 3 feet now, all tied up in a ponytail). people would always remark "When the hell are you ever gonna cut your hair?" and always, I mean ALWAYS my reply would be "Whenever God grants me a miracle." I've been thinking hard about that personal promise I made and I now stand by it.
Tomorrow I'm getting my head shaved like the monk in the pic. Some might say that this kind of thing is petty and that people get robbed all the time, but my life isn't as exciting as a US soldier in Derka-Derkastan, I really feel that a miracle has been thrown my way.
As usual when my parents learned about my day, they said the obligatory stuff about being granted a new lease on life, pray always, keep your soul on the ready. I feel that I have always done that in my own little way and it slightly annoys me to be told so.
Goodbye ponytail, you've kept me warm in the winter and made people do double takes whether I was a girl or not for almost 5 long years. I will miss you but a promise is a promise. Now off to the chopping block!!!
Here's a video to show how I really feel:
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